A Grief Remembered

Another milestone birthday. 8th February 2012.

2012-02-14T16:01:00.001Z

Well Matt, last week we had the usual spate of February birthdays. Mine and dad's falling within 4 days of each other, and various friends on either side! Always a scramble going out and buying the presents for 6 different people! But it's fun. Only this year was very different. Your dad reached his 60th birthday on 8th February. It was another of those family times when you are so keenly missed. A blank space, which your presence used to occupy. It will always be so. You are frozen in time at the age of 30. One of your old friends reached 30 this week, on the same day as your dad. And I know as your brother approaches his 30th in a couple of years, he feels it keenly.

Matt.

However we had a visit from him and his wife and our lovely grandson for the weekend of my birthday, and we had a lovely time. Not without it's underlying tacitly understood sadness, which runs beneath like an underground stream.
We walk above it on the surface, going on in our everyday lives, not always aware of the stream below. Until something triggers a memory of you, which has the ability to reduce us to tears, or to feel the familiar stab of pain. Only natural for someone who was so loved. Then the stream bubbles to the surface and sometimes overflows for awhile, until the pain recedes.

We wish you could've been there with us all.
It was nonetheless a good week.
Your dad declared it one of the best birthday's he had celebrated. Our friends certainly went to town! Some of them making a dinner the evening of the 9th, followed by a wonderfully crazy game of "Racing Grannies"! This was a Scalextric track with a difference! Instead of cars, we raced the grannies round and round! All this followed a glass of champagne to toast the birthday boy. Lots of merriment!!
I had a picture of you in my mind's eye, reduced to tears with laughing. Oh how we miss your laughter.

So your photo is sitting surrounded by cards, and the mantlepiece and hearth overflowing with them!
He had lots of thoughtful gifts and we ourselves spent the day in London, as a treat travelling First Class on the train.
His work colleagues gave him a presentation and a specially made cake.
So, as I write this thinking of you, we are still surrounded by all the cards and flowers, and next week we are going to visit one of your old friends, now a 7 hour plane trip away. I have not seen them since your Thanksgiving in September 2006. Your dad met him and his wife in Beirut, in 2009. But I could not go, as I was sorting out the sale of your grandad's home.
They have a little girl now. It will be poignant stepping off the plane to greet them. When your dad met him at Beirut airport, he was wearing the England shirt you had bought for him. Not bad for an American! But it was a special show of the affection and regard he has for you.
Well, time to go.
Thinking of you, love you, forever.
Mumxx

Christmas is coming again, the sixth without you.............

2011-12-22T08:03:00.000Z

Well, Matthew,
Here we are again, it's Christmas time. This year it is very different. There will only be your dad and I on Christmas Day, for the first time I can ever remember since we have been married. And on Christmas Eve it is 41 years since we got engaged.We will spend Christmas Eve with your brother and his wife and our lovely grandson, now 11weeks old. His mum said to him that when he is old enough they will tell him about his Uncle Matthew, (who would have been 35 this year.)

Our Christmas tree this year. December 2011

I have decorated the tree and hung lights outside, as I love Christmas time - and as we've said many times before, so did you. Only I feel a sense of sadness in it all. There have been major changes in our family once again which you were not able to see or to be there. Two more of your cousins were married, and weddings make the lack of your presence more noticeable. Your nephew was born. And your young wife remarried, and is making her home in America. We are really pleased for her. She is moving into a large family.

Smudge the rabbit and Rudolf the reindeer. December 2011

So, Matthew, I've included a photo of Smudge the rabbit and Rudolf the reindeer. Why?

They are both things which were very special.

Smudge the rabbit was bought for my mum by my dad years ago. She died 21 years ago this year,aged just 70. After she died Smudge lived at the bottom of the stairs in dad's home, sitting in a wicker basket and wrapped up in a scarf. When dad could no longer live on his own, Smudge went with him to his Residential home and sat on his bed.

Inanimate things can be "real" when they are cherished for the memories they hold or simply because of the person to whom they belong.

I now have Smudge here. He sits on the bed, still wrapped in his scarf, a reminder of my mum and dad.

Rudolf was given to you Matt, one Christmas, by your wife, and we all laughed as he looks like a reindeer with attitude and a face that is full of mischief!

After you left us Rudolf took on a different significance, going everywhere with the one who gave him to you. But it became time to close the door finally and begin a new chapter, so Rudolf is now here with us.

A tangible reminder of a cheeky grin, a sometimes irritated "don't suffer fools gladly" stare and a heart that cared for others.

He went to work with your dad the other day, as there was a competition for the most creatively dressed desk in the office.

And he was a big hit, even though no prize was won!

So on our sixth Christmas without you since September 2006, I love you, I miss you and hold you in my heart.

Mumxx

Return to the Lizard, Cornwall. October 2011.

2011-10-19T22:22:00.000+01:00

Footprints in the sand

I came down to the Lizard a few days ago, to spend some time on my own in the place I love so well. The place we all used to stay as a family, along with your grandad, year in year out, and where we had such happy times. I saw my new grandson last week, your nephew, and it was a wonderful experience. I am going to love being a granny! I have spent the days in quiet reflection each morning, and the afternoons walking the cliff paths, and along the empty beach at Polurrian. I can hear echoes of your voice mingled with that of grandad and the others and it makes me smile. We will never lose you, Matt, you are forever with us. And on days like today, walking along the beach, for once, I remember you without the sense of loss.

Polurrian Cove.

Letter to Matthew

2011-10-07T09:54:00.004+01:00

Timelord and Teapot Sutton Park September 2011The new grandparents!

October 2011

Dear Matthew ,
On Wednesday 5th October 2011, your brother and his wife had their first baby. A boy.
He is called Samuel Robin. You would have like that.
All kinds of mixed emotions have been swirling round in me for weeks, surrounding this new addition to our family.
All mixed up with recollections of your birth, your brother's birth, and how we were so overjoyed to welcome our own children into the world.

I wish you were here to see your new nephew.

It is difficult to explain to others how it can be hard when we celebrate another important milestone without you. We are so very, very, happy and at the same time it highlights the empty space which you filled with your living presence.

A proud dad and his first son, Matthew. April 1976

Of course it makes us grandparents! Wow! And it is an amazing feeling!

Matthew holding his new brother.September 1984

Matt holding his 3 month old brother, December 1984

We will go to see our new grandson soon, and I can't wait to hold him. A whole new chapter beginning, in a whole new life. So, Matt, I know you would've been a great uncle. And one day, when our grandson is grown, I expect his brother may tell him about you...................Love always Mumxx

9/10 and 9/11. A weekend of reflection.........................

2011-09-15T17:43:00.002+01:00

Lizard Point. Cornwall. England A quiet moment.

A father remembers his son. WTC New York USA

Above Grasmere and Rydal Water.The Lake District. England.

This year saw our 5th Anniversary of 9/10 alongside the 10 year Anniversary of 9/11.
I looked at the photo of the father simply placing his hand on his son's name and I was deeply moved.
A world of pain separates him from us, and yet I somehow felt connected. Although I cannot even begin to contemplate how they feel, constantly seeing how their loved ones died like an ever running video, over and over again. Year in, year out.
But for them, 10 years on, the important thing is that they are not forgotten. And the grief is still palpable. Anniversaries will always be that way.

We can choose to remember our 9/10 in the way in which each of us feels is most helpful. All of us who were joined togther by Matt and Chris's deaths share a deep bond. It is important for us to remain in contact, Chris's family and very close friends, our little family and very close friends.We see each other throughout the year, share stories about them, laugh and weep over them, and encourage each other along.
And in the week before the 10th we are once again sending each other cards, exchanging phone calls, talking about them, and yes, grieving them too. But this is a shared grief and it serves to strengthen, as we all have the need to remember.
Stephen and I had a few days in the Lake District in the quiet Langdale Valley.
On the 10th we went for a long walk over the fell and down into Rydal Water. As we were walking along we received several mobile phone text messages from our friends and family to say they were thinking of us. (As we indeed were thinking of them.)
We received several cards. Touching messages written inside, and one with anecdotes about Matt. I keep all these in a special box.
It was a peaceful reflective day, and after walking on into Ambleside, where we refuelled on toasted tea cakes, (me!) and Borrowdale tea bread and cheese(him!) we then walked the next 3 and a half miles back to where we were staying. A round trip of about 7 miles. We enjoyed the views inspite of the showers, and saw several deer. One obligingly jumped the fence practically under our noses as we crept up to have a closer look.
Such graceful creatures.
So we passed by another date forever etched in our hearts.
And we go on into another year.

We will remember you on September 10th 2011.

2011-09-09T12:34:00.000+01:00

Matt on Helm Crag, Grasmere. July 2006.

September once more...........5 years on,

2011-08-31T12:24:00.014+01:00

June 2005

California 2005 Taking photos!

Lizard Point. Cornwall September 2007

Well, Matt,
Here we are again, on the threshhold of the month of September. I used to love the sense of it, the autumn arriving,however, each year since you've been gone, I say to myself, "It will be different this time, and I am doing ok"
Then I catch the sight of the first leaves beginning to change colour, my heart aches.

Matt taking photos. Cadgwith Cornwall

So, I am not going to write much this time, and simply place your photos in this place.

April 2005

4th July 2006

Our son, first born, and deeply loved..................

Matt 1977 Cowplain Hampshire

Padstow, Cornwall, 1980

Morocco 1999

So, here are some of the memories..............

Matt April 1980

Matt at Edgbaston Cricket Ground

River Rothay , Grasmere, July 2006

A Grief Remembered: Evenings and mornings..............June 2011

2011-08-12T21:55:00.000+01:00

A Grief Remembered: Evenings and mornings..............June 2011

Evenings and mornings..............June 2011

2011-06-30T07:46:00.004+01:00

The evenings are long now, and the last of the light hardly fades before midnight.

I always have a camera handy, Matt, which can irritate some people............! But it's as if I have to capture the moments.............

I took this photo just before 11.00pm one evening this week, as I was closing the upstairs blinds for the night.

I stood and thought of you, as I always do.

There is only a short span between nightfall and dawn at this time of year.

As I'd watched the last of the glow on the horizon, so I was awake when the first blackbird began his song,and the fingers of the new day crept into the garden from the east. It was hardly 4.00am.

Is it an indulgence to miss you so keenly?

Gone from the earth in a matter of minutes.............I remember then in the days and weeks that followed, the gazing at the sky each evening and thinking "Matt's no longer on this earth"

And the vastness of the skies at night, with their myriads of stars, mirrored a huge deep void in me. Lonely skies, quiet in their far away-ness................ unreachable on their outer limits..........like I cannot reach you now.

I hide.

People don't really want to hear the same thing over and over again...................or is it that I feel somehow I've failed to "move on"?

Nothing can ever alter what happened, and nothing can ever alter my inward loneliness and longing after you.

It is always there...................evenings and mornings............................

Yes, our lives go on, yes, I am so excited about our first grandchild, but it comes with the loss.............in the joyful family events of marriages and births, anniversaries, birthdays, there is one person missing who should be there.

So, evenings and mornings I think of you , and myriads of times in between.

And tomorrow, we go to Cornwall, and we will remember you in the place in which you lay...............................

Your 35th birthday is coming up on Saturday 23rd April 2011

2011-04-19T09:25:00.012+01:00

Hello Matthew,

Here I am again! Not doing too good this week, but that is how it goes some times................

I love this photo of you.

I can see your eyelashes and your fine hair.

And almost rub the stubble on your chin.

Feel the warmth of your breath as you give me a hug...............................

I miss you.

Sometimes something triggers the underground well of grief, and on Sunday evening I was in church with your dad, when I became aware of the blue flashing lights of emergency vehicles shining in through one of the windows.

It was a trigger.

8.40pm on a Sunday evening is the time we will never forget.

And we were in church then too.

So seeing those lights, suddenly brought the memory of that other fateful night back to the fore....

And as the last song began, it happened to be the one we sang at your Thanksgiving.

I simply felt the whole floodgates open and I sobbed, until I could sob no more. The pain was as overwhelming as it had been in the days and weeks after you were killed.

It was so immediate and real.

I love you so much, and miss you so much it cannot be measured.

So as always after that happens, and the pain has burnt itself out for awhile, I am exhausted. Even now, after 4 and a half years.

But I know it will always be so.

Most of the time I can get on with living, and remember you with a smile, and enjoy the world around me. Meeting friends, gardening, reading, the everyday routines which are part of daily life, still making progress with my French, which I began when I thought one day you would end up working in a French speaking country.

You would be amazed now Matt, at how well I can converse!

A lot has happened again since your last birthday.

Grandad's funeral, James's wedding, your Uncle Andrew's Ordination as a Baptist minister, and now your brother is going to be a dad!

And I am going to be "Granny Sellers" !!

And your dad a grandad!!

You would've been a brilliant uncle.

Next week we will all be at the wedding of your cousin Sarah in Skipton. Another special

day without you.......................................

And oh, Matt, how you would've loved the spring sunshine we are having just now. The cherry trees have never looked so beautiful, the back birch tree is in leaf, and in the grounds of the school opposite here, a lovely white flowering cherry planted in your memory, blossomed early.

The birds are in full voice.................................

I miss you. Forever

Your mumxx

Poem for Matt written in 2008

2011-04-01T19:36:00.000+01:00

Poem for Matt

There's a hole in the world

Where you used to be.

It is perfectly shaped in your form,

A vacuum, but it's there.

Like reaching into the space where you

Lived and breathed.

It's a mocking illusion.

There's a hole in me

Where you used to be

Gaping,raw,aching,

Arms cannot wrap around space.

There's a hole everywhere I turn

It travels with me silently

Wherever I go

It is always with me

A reminder of all that we have lost

And, on returning, the memories

Burning

Down the years where you were real

Tangible,loved, living, breathing.

There are holes in the world

I recognise others-

Children lost forever

Parents who grieve

Over what might have been.....................

And now snatched away

Suddenly,

Leaving only brokenness.

There's a sadness in their eyes

Like a reflection

From a deep well

Of pain

Hidden but always there....

Surfacing at times to overflow.

And it goes on until

We leave a hole in the world."

Mothering Sunday 2011

2011-04-01T14:00:00.009+01:00

My mum and dad with Matthew near their home in Rawtenstall.

I still find Mothering Sunday so hard and once again this past year more changes in our lives. I feel the loss of my dad keenly. My mum died in 1990.

And there are still times when I need to write about Matthew more than others.

I've ceased caring what others think about it.

He was my flesh and blood, carried for 9 months and a wonderful gift.

How can I not feel that loss above all others so deep, so vast, so forever.

And the wonderful news about our first grandchild, due to arrive in the autumn, has stirred so many memories. They come unbidden to the surface.........

How it felt to hold him, his smell, his smile, his tiny fingers and toes, his cuddliness, and warmth.....his aliveness.

This year we will be on our own on Mothering Sunday, as our son lives in Bristol, with his lovely wife, soon to be another family unit, with two cousins already living nearby, and close family on the doorstep.

Then the grief is strong. The emptiness of my life where Matt used to be, and now there is only a sense of his life in Birmingham, impressions of him, stirrings of the voice which used to speak to me, and living not far away.

So I have closed my Facebook account today, for the time being, to take refuge in other words.

I could not face the Mother's Day wishes that I would inevitably read there , on a day when I will not see either of my sons.

Cowardly?

No, I need to be able to sometimes have the strategies for dealing with how I feel.

It is always the special days that are the hardest.

Birthdays, Christmas, Anniversaries.......and each one who knows loss says the same.

Being a mother is the deepest, most profound experience, and having physically given birth, the bond is one which is absolute.

It goes on forever.

Leaving a legacy.

2010-08-22T18:24:00.010+01:00

I have recently watched again Matt's Thanksgiving service on dvd.

It took place on 22nd September 2006, 5 days after my dad's 88th birthday and 7 days before Alan's 22nd birthday.

It was a very moving experience, and as it was only the second time I had watched it in 4 years hardly surprising.

I also found it comforting to see how full the church was and the many people young and old, who had made a special journey to be there.

There were around 450+

The many conversations afterwards, and in later months and years, stories filtered down about people who had reassessed their lives and made changes.

A life cut off at 30 made them think of what they considered to be vital to their own................

But the thing which grabbed me most of all was what Matt had considered important in his life.

His faith, and his care of others, came to the fore, not to mention the sense of humour which would have him rolling round the floor laughing at times!!

All this made me smile.

And remember.

So if you read this I hope it makes you think...........

Matt left a legacy...................long may it bear fruit.

Legacy by Nicole Nordemann

I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me

And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much

I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthly list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy

Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one...

Listening to the clock............August 2010

2010-08-12T18:14:00.005+01:00

When I have had my breakfast, I like to sit in our back room, looking out at the garden, and then I open my Bible.

Quiet moments.........................

Special moments......................

I am privileged to have the time to spend reading and then in prayer.

These moments have become even more special during the past 4 years, (next month) since Matt's death.

A marshalling of thoughts, and a renewal of strength.

And do I need it still at times, to go on.

All this is now taking place alongside the ticking of dad's clock. A nice symmetry in that. He bought it not long after the death of my mum at the age of 70, in August 1990. He said it was like a friend, and helped him to cope with the silence of the evenings.

And now it is a reminder of them both.

So this morning before I sat down I wandered up the garden, and sniffed the air. There was a nip in it, and a sense of approaching autumn.

I used to love the onset of autumn, the richness of the colours, and the sharpness of the light. Some apples lay on the ground, fallen from our ancient tree. It has produced a good crop this year. They are surprisingly sweet.

I know every inch of that garden, and love grubbing about in the earth and pruning bushes and trimming the rampant hedges!!

But the nip in the air and the indefinable subtle shift in the colours of the shrubs and leaves made my heart lurch....................................................

September approaches.

And what do people say at times, after 4 years have almost passed, on 10th September, 2010

" Time heals"

" It gets better as time goes on"

"The sense of loss decreases"

" You are 'moving on' "

" Life goes on"

Well, I can categorically say

" No, time does not heal, and never will. The wound is still there, not as raw, but each morning and evening it makes it's presence felt"

" In lots of ways it does indeed get better, but it will never ever be the same without my son"

"Yes, I am moving on, that is how it should be, and I have no choice, the alternative would be not to live anymore, and that is an easy option"

" Life goes on............................all around, the ups and downs, the good times, better times, difficult times, joyful ones, downright bad ones, life will always go on........................we have to choose to face it head on"

For that I have my special moments each day, wherever possible, and a Saviour who suffered for me brings me comfort.

Autumn beckons

Edges of leaves beginning to appear in subtler moods of russet reds

Landscapes of rolling corn, yellow against an inky dark storm-approaching sky, lit by a decreasing sun-strength.

Birds are quiet

Fledglings flown

Fruit trees weighed down

And the waves break over the rocks where you are hidden.....................

The seagulls wheel overhead

Autumn beckons...............................

My heart lurches with the memory

So it will be because when we love deeply,

We inwardly mourn deeply, hidden from the world,

In a private place,

Our own thoughts

Of a baby nestled close

First laugh

First step

First word

First birthday

First friend

First school

First "I love you mum"

First heartbreak

First prayer

First home

First car

..................................................

30th birthday.

Last day.

10th September 2006

So, my heart tells me what I already know,

September beckons.

Dad's rose.

2010-06-29T15:25:00.004+01:00

Early I woke today, dad

And went out in the freshness of the morning

Smelling the damp grass where the shower passed

Last night.

The cool newness of the air,

After a warm night.

It's always like this

In the arrival of the long summer days

When we have the endless blue and the

Unexpected warmth of a sun

Which brings dappled light

And throws sharp shadows

On the ground.

This time we have a taste of summer

That brings with it

Another summer remembered

Hot, sunny, burnt lawns

Sultry air suddenly touching my face.

Another garden........................

Another place.

And a hug, given with love.

Summer days, long evenings, stir the depths of all I have lost.

But for dad, I now have a rose

Who has bloomed as gloriously as the ones

He used to grow

And my sunflowers

For Matt,

Are once again making their journey

Towards the sky of blue.

I love their French name

Tournesol

Meaning

To turn the face to the sun.

So dad,

Your rose is beautiful today.

Love you,

Both.

Simply remembering..........................................

2010-05-22T08:57:00.014+01:00

My dad with Heidi, at the Lizard 2004. The other pictures are all taken there. The second and third ones at Cadgwith, a favourite stopping place.............then Matt at his brother's 21st, September 2005.

And my dad, last May, 2009.

We're into our fourth year now without Matt, and the beginning of a year without my dad.

How lives can change in a short time.

And on days when the sun shines and the skies are endless blue, the missing of them tugs at the heart.............

These brief days of summer sunshine bring back so many thoughts of other days shared and enjoyed......................

And now are no more.

And in a couple of weeks time, Timelord and I will be back in our favourite place on the Lizard, just the two of us...............................................enjoying again the beauty of the scenery and remembering.

Mothering Sunday again

2010-03-11T15:32:00.005Z

The reason Matt was holding a Rolf Harris cd was that his brother Alan was going to Australia to live in Brisbane for just under a year. He was going to work with Scripture Union Queensland. He went in October 2003.

It caused much merriment, this cd!

Especially " Tie Me kangaroo Down Sport" and "Jake the Peg......." !!

TL had "Waltzing Matilda" as his ring tone on his mobile whilst Alan was away.

Touching.

The settee and décor are changed now.

Bit like us.

Mothering Sunday cards,( to give Mother's Day it's correct title) have been in the shops for awhile.

They are like a double-edged sword to me.

Our family is forever incomplete.

Mothering Sunday last year, 2009, saw me again on the M6 driving North, as my dad had been taken ill. I was there two and a half weeks.

I took my cards with me and the gifts I had been given. And as I drove, I thought how ironic it was to be driving on that particular day, as once again I drove passed the site of the accident, deliberately, a defiant homage to you, Matt.

So here we are again, and on Sunday we will have Alan and Jen here. And we will enjoy the day. I still have two sons..........

I have two sons,

Forever in my thoughts.

And prayers

And tears and love

Anguish

Joy

Pride

Wonder

Sadness and gladness.

To hold you when you were born

Was the most amazing thing I have ever known,

To say goodbye the most profound

Deep

Dark

Grief.

Two brothers

Now one without the other

Scarred

But we remember

You

So, on Mothering Sunday, I will run the gauntlet of loss once more, thinking of that other mother for whom the day is named.

Then comes Easter!!!

Home again.

2010-02-26T15:08:00.026Z

Home again...................from the hills.

I drove the miles yesterday.......

South.

Thinking of you.

And thinking of the dad I'd left behind.

One aged 91

And the other forever 30.

Memories of the two of you together surface now

A proud granddad relating to us how he sported a red rose the day you were born,

Pushing you out in your pram, when he and mum came to visit

Giving you a Burnley FC bobcap, and having his photo taken with you, in the kitchen of our second flat, near Portsmouth.

Teaching you to sing,

"You push the damper in,

And you pull the damper out,

And the smoke goes up the chimney just the same.......

Star of the evening,

Sail across the cook-house doo-oo-or!

Star of the evening,

And the smoke goes up the chimney as before!"

All this to vigorous hand and arm actions!

He sang it to me when I was small. And so I sang it to you.

On the hillside in the picture, near the tower, I have a photo of the two of you one Easter.

Good Friday was always a day when people traditionally climbed up there.

You were in your late teens, and smiled at the camera, jacket slung over one shoulder.

Posing for the shot!!

And I drove on..........

I had driven over 300 miles in 4 days, as I also travelled over the Pennines to see my sister.

As I turned on to our drive, Tiger was sitting in the upstairs bedroom window, surveying the scene.

As it was an almost springlike afternoon, he was released from his captivity into his favourite haunts outside.

I closed the door once more, to silence, except for the ticking of dad's chiming clock..............

Home again, and yet not home,

I'll never be competely home,

There's a space, a void,

But you had made the journey with me..........all those miles, there and back.

Time to enter my life here once more...................and as usual it started with a cup of tea.

Matt's beloved Villa!

2010-01-31T09:48:00.012Z

The last time Villa won something significant, was the Coca Cola Cup, in 1994 against Manchester United.

There is a good story behind this picture of Matt in the Villa Family Suite, holding up the trophy in April 1994.

And now they are in the League Cup (Carling) Final again, playing Manchester United again!

I remember quite well when we watched the match on television. The highs and lows, the nail biting, the cat disappearing fast when we all shouted and threw cushions in the air! Each goal celebrated with whoops and cheers!!

When Villa brought the trophy back to Villa park, they paraded it round the ground, for the fans to see.

It was a night match and I took Alan along with us. He was 10 years old and Matt about to become 18 years old.

We were in the Doug Ellis Stand, near the front. But we found our view restricted by a huge net of balloons on the pitch, as the players walked around the ground, in front of the baying Holte end, then on to the Trinity Road stand opposite, but having completed their walk at the North Stand, for some inexplicable reason they did not come along the ( what was then) the Witton Lane side. So having been there early and also got very wet as it was raining, and Alan not feeling too well(!) we did not even get a glimpse of the cup.

I decided to write to Doug Ellis, (known as Deadly Doug to afficianados!) the then Chairman. I simply told him that we had waited in the rain and with great anticipation, only to be denied the pleasure of seeing the Coca Cola (League Cup) Trophy that night.

To my astonishment I had a reply.

Doug Ellis apologised and said if I were to take Matt and Alan to the match on April 23rd, Saturday, tickets provided, we could all got to the Family Suite before the game and have photos with the cup!!

What a result!

It was Matt's 18th Birthday that very day!!

How proud he was and thrilled and excited all at once as he lifted that trophy for his photo.

Mum and brother also have photos.

A wonderful present!!

Sadly no ticket for dad.

But we all went out to dinner that night for another celebration.

Matt actually got to play on the hallowed Villa turf with his works' team. He came to have his photo taken by us, and you can just see him at the front of the picture!! he always fancied himself as Frank Lampard!! He did have a likeness to him! But they lost. Not before his mum had bawled and shouted during the matches. (It was a 7 a side knock out.)

One Chris Rankin and his sister were with us, and Chris had never seen us shout and whistle before. He said it was a revelation! (;-))

And it was Chris's birthday this last week.

We miss him too.

Hasta la vista Señor Pasta Creese!

God be with you both till we meet again.

Matt in the last photo in San Francisco wearing his Villa shirt.

Christmas is coming, Matt. (December 2009)

2009-12-13T09:40:00.003Z

We had good times, exciting times at Christmas. There were times when it wasn't so too.

But you always anticipated it with such eagerness and zest!

Our lives have forever changed, Matt.

People may think that grief can be compartmentalised into stages, or a pattern..........

Yes, there are certain things which do "fit" the grief journey process, but by and large, I've found since you died in September 2006, that it can be circular..

What I felt then can come back at any time, through a random event which triggers a memory.

Last night we were watching tv when the song which was sung at your wedding began.................................." I'll be kissing you" and I couldn't listen any more.

Ok it was on "Strictly Come Dancing" and eventually the storm in me subsided. But I was in tears......as I could suddenly see you there..........alive again. And realising again your absence like a searing pain.

I learn to live with it, address it, talk to close friends about it, others who knew you, loved you.............you will never be forgotten............

And Christmas is coming again, without you. An empty space..............a remembered time of Christmases with you.

So, sometimes my pain is hiddden, when well meaning people ask, "How are you?" and I know full well if I told them exactly how it is, they wouldn't cope with it.

I drove back down the M6 on Thursday morning, Matt, and past the place where you were killed, normally it doesn't affect me, as I just pay you silent homage........but this time, as I drove past and down the M6 Toll homewards, the tears began to fall. I was coming home to face another Christmas without you.

How long will it be till it doesn't feel like a Grand Canyon of grief, never.

Like I said

I learn to live with the pain.

Love you Matt,

Miss you.

PS You would laugh at the décor on the old photo here!!

Always in my heart.

2009-11-15T09:06:00.000Z

Remembering your Wedding Anniversary

November 18th 2000

I come up through the layers of sleep

Each day

And I remember.

I waken to the sounds outside

I see the day unfold

A day you cannot see.

My heart has that familiar lurch of pain....

There have been so many days without you now

But it is only like yesterday that you were gone

In a flash

In an instant

Broken beyond repair...........

How can I ever forget?

Never.

The depth of silence in my life where you existed is profound

I can hear your voice at times

But it is no longer real..................

I see your smile

And I long to see you.

And I know

I will never be the same

We are left here

Those of us who love you

Who go on without you......................

As we have to do...........

Marking each anniversary

Each birthday

Each memory

So you remain with us.

The ripples of your life that was

Flow on in others

Each having a different track

A different story

Some are yet to be told...............

I have to face the day

Each day

Afresh

Dry the tears

And push through the pain

But know

You were so loved

And eventually

Slowly

I can smile.

Random thoughts in the first week of September

2009-09-04T12:07:00.000+01:00

Blogs

I started writing my first blog in September 2006. It helped me to put down in writing how I felt about the events, now 3 years ago next week, of that 9th month, and beyond.
It was called "The Diary of a Teapot" .

Eventually, I printed it all out, and deleted it. I wanted a change.

The next blog was called "Musings Of a Tea Drinker".

I began that one early last year and now it too, has changed into
"Is there anymore tea in that pot?"
This one is still going alongside the one I write in here..............

I was pleased to see that "Tractor Girl" has started one of her own. I have benefitted from writing. it has been cathartic and therapeutic, and keeps me connected in a small way to my son, Matt. He wrote his own blog under the title " Freelance Nerd"
He was still writing it the week that he died.

I had them all spread out this morning on the bed. I keep them in a folder, and it is surprising when I re read them, to actually find that I have become that bit stronger. It sometimes doesn't feel like that when a random event, another tragedy, or a vivid memory suddenly open up the underlying chasm of grief, which is always there, and always will be.

There have been good days to remember in the last couple of years.
The first year having passed in a blur.
Some downright bizarre!! Like the day I saw a bloke taking his pet python for a walk in Haslingden, where I had just stopped with my dad in the car, to buy some cake! I got out to talk to him and as I always have a camera

handy, the result is what you see!!
Looking at these photos makes me wonder how on earth we all coped......

I also write my own personal diaries. The red one is the first year and beyond and the blue one is still going but almost full up.

But I still need to write.
The fact that I don't write as often, shows that I have made progress in my journey.
People talk about " the beginning of the grief journey" and it is true.
We all of us who grieve, have to go on this road we never wanted, and we can only do this ourselves.
Oh yes, friends, amazing ones for us, strong family, random strangers, shared memories, all are vital. But our grief is our own. It is unique in the way we related to the one whom we loved who is no longer there. Each of us in a different way.
People who knew Matt each have their own unique memories, all different, some shared. For me he is totally irreplaceable.

So here I am again, another September, three years on, having met a man last weekend whose son was killed by a hit and run driver in Bristol in May He was 11 years old.
We were in church with Alan and Jenny in Bristol last Sunday morning when the young man spoke of his devastastation, and his need to try and rebuild his shattered family.
He talked of it being the worst ever dreadful time in his life, and how he never wanted to live through anything else like that again.
Our hearts went out to him.
I spoke with him afterwards, and he told me some of the story and said "I am only now, after 4 months beginning to feel a bit like I can survive".
He has plumbed the depths of his own personal Grand Canyon, and faith.
But he was pleased I had spoken to him, and it was one of those moments that are meant to happen.

So, the sun is shining, the wind blustery, one of my friends just phoned to see how I am, and ask me out for a meal next week................God moments...........to those who look for them.

Matt Days..............

2009-06-30T17:46:00.003+01:00

Tuesday 30th June 2009 4.45 am Dawn

We have a saying here,...."It's a Matt day today".

I don't know quite how it came about, but we use the two words on days which are sunny, warm, with cloudless blue skies, and the earth looking beautiful.

And in winter, autumn and spring, it's the same.

When the days are cold, bright, frosty, or all the colours of gold, reds, oranges and yellows, in the mists of autumn, and spring green, fresh and new. Bulbs showing through the soil, leaves unfurling on the trees.

There are always "Matt days".

They come sometimes with beautiful dawns, glowing sunsets, and long summer evenings, when the light simply fades away.

I woke early this morning and the sun was just peeping over the tops of the trees at the back of the house.

I took some photos, thinking of Matt as I always do.

The summer after he died, 2007, was so wet and dismal that he would've hated it, and it only reflected how we all felt without him............

Last year was just the same and the wet weather and gloomy days which should have been bright and sunny, made people long for a better summer. as they faced the onset of autumn.

This year, however, we may, even yet, have a good summer.

The days have been hot and sunny recently and the garden plants have bloomed in profusion.

We have had plenty of "Matt days".

These can bring a sting in the tail, as they remind us so much of the last good summer he was here, and which he so enjoyed, and his words as he made a little video of his garden were,

"It's the hottest summer I've known, and next year it's supposed to get even hotter..........I can even hear crickets in the garden............."

are forever enshrined in my memory, as it was not to be, and he was not to see a new year.

So, these warm summer days, and lovely evenings with their fading translucent light, remind me of him so much, and my heart aches.

I miss him.

As I write the familiar lurch of pain is there, now almost 3 years come September, .................how can it be so long Matt? It seems like yesterday.

People get on with their lives, go separate ways, walking into the future.......but somehow recently, Matt, I've not been doing so good without you.

Little things set me off, tears near the surface, and I don't want to be a wet blanket or always be someone who is thought of as "not coping very well".

So, I hide, except from those who know me best, and with whom I can really be me and honest about how I feel.

It's how I miss you as the sun appears, but not for you,

The sound of the summer breeze stirring the trees

Warmth of a beautiful day

Sunflowers growing,

The smell of cut grass,

Sounds of distant traffic in the stillness of evening drifting on the air

Family gatherings without you

My life without you

Your smile,

Your voice

Your face

Your laugh

Your uniqueness

Your love of reading

Love of people

Your vulnerability

Your aliveness

I miss you so very very much, Matt, forever in my heart.

But Jesus says

" You don't have to wait for the End. I am right now the Resurrection and Life.

The one who believes in Me, even though he or she dies, will live.

And everyone who lives believing in Me does not ultimately die at all"

John 11 The Message.

Love you Matt, see you again...............!

April 2009

2009-04-22T07:45:00.000+01:00

You may ask why did I decide to publish my "private" blog.
Over the past two and a half years, I have come across several people who have talked to us about publishing our other blogs, as they have found them helpful. Helpful in the sense that it either
a) gave them some insight into grief, or
b) gave them a sense of identifying with mine and Stephen's experiences of grief since Matt and Chris died.

It is Matt's birthday tomorrow, and here today, the sense of "rawness" is not as great, and we remember him more with love and affection rather than the gut wrenching pain which usually took over.

The last two birthday's were quite stressful, as last year we were collecting our stolen car from the police, having been burgled two weeks earlier, and the year before, I received a phone call the day after to say that my dad was in hospital and a friend of ours had died suddenly, in Lancashire. So I was back on the M6 and also went to a funeral as well as visiting dad in hospital.

I was away from home again for two weeks, at a time when I needed the security and familiarity of it.

This week has been absolutely glorious for weather. just what Matt would've so enjoyed.... and the skies are blue, the birds in song, the cherry trees heavy with hanging blossom, and trees in new green lushness. Tomorrow, there will only be the two of us, Alan now married and living away, and Heidi living up North, and working there. We are going to Stratford! As Matt shared his birthday with William Shakespeare, of whom we are great fans.There is to be a birthday parade! So we can silently pay homage to our son as it passes by..............

Happy Birthday Matt, until we meet again. x

Hello Matt

2008-02-18T08:24:00.000Z

Hello Matt.

Remember when I used to write to you at University? I used to sit in your room in the loft and write to you from there.All your paraphenalia still about, and the sense of you in the books and the pictures stuck on the walls.I love this picture of you, which you took yourself!! It was a joke for DB!! (A few years ago) Not bad for a mobile phone pic is it? seeing as you had just got out of the shower!!!!

Time moved on and you moved to Harborne when you came home after finishing your degree. All the stuff we moved!! Old school books, clothes, duvets, pillows, sheets, and the usual kind of things needed for a move to a new home. A house share in this case, and you were so excited. The room was quiet again afterwards, no sounds of music, or the general sounds of someone living in a loft. Soft footfall overhead, clonking up and down the wooden stairs, and conversations when friends clonked up to see you. Normal sounds of life.

So the loft room became a place where I would sit and pray for my family and friends, or paint my pictures, until one day you brought a young lady home to meet us. Heidi. I knew when she walked through the door that you would marry her.

And you were married one November day when it poured with rain, and we were all happy, inspite of the weather.............
Heidi had lived with us for awhile before you were married, almost a year in fact, and this time the loft room had a different air about it. Female stuff now being strewn about. You were married for almost 7 years .......................................................

And I still love it that you danced with me at your wedding!

And now Matt, the loft room is going to be empty again towards the end of this year. Your brother Alan, is going to be married himself. I miss you.

This time the room will be very quiet.

Do you remember how Alan decided to move up there when he came back from Australia? Another lot of shifting books, beds, pictures, sound systems, files, and the computer...................

When Alan was in Oz, we all used MSN didn't we! Was fun. Another load of friends clonking up and down the stairs, so many memories. At least you had met Jenny, we are all pleased about that, especially Alan.

And,oh, I so want to talk to you about the wedding and will so miss you being there................and so will your brother............and your dad.

It seems ages since I saw you and in another 6 months it will be two years since I last sat with you in your garden, when you weren't well, and we were talking about what you would like to do with the different plants and borders. I'm glad you can't see it it at the moment. That day it was warm and sunny, and you sat with me on your patio in your dressing gown and we enjoyed the afternoon. I still can feel your hug, when you opened the door. I had dropped in as I had a feeling you weren't well and as you said at the time, I always seemed to know.

We had some lunch I'd picked up at M and S and talked of how you were going to Soul Survivor at the end of that week.You did make it, and you had so wanted to see Brother Andrew, (as Bill told me later when we spoke to him, that you said to him it would probably be your last opportunity to meet Brother Andrew this side of Heaven). As it turned out that's exactly what it was.......as the next month you had gone there yourself.

I often wonder what it's like.........and what you are doing?

So, your brother is to be married, and things are beginning to change all over again.

We all had our birthdays this month, me, your dad and Heidi, and me and your dad went to New York as I was 60!! You wanted a "60's" party didn't you, and so did Chris, but it wasn't going to be the same without either of you, so we went and did something completely different!

Heidi's 30th Open House went well.

All your old mates were there, Reuben, Adrian, Jon, Mike, and Ed. MIke and Kanchi are married now, you would've been pleased, oh, and Paul (Ward) is being married in July!! I miss you...............................................................................................................................................

Time goes by and you slip further back with it, but I can hear you and still have the "sense" of you in so much as I remember what it was like to be hugged by you, and to be told you loved me. That is very special. And you danced with me at your wedding.

Love you Matt, always,

Mumxx

Memories

2008-01-15T15:20:00.000Z

I have read again the early entries in my old handwritten diary, and I am glad that I wrote them down. Now I can hardly recall those days which passed by in a blur of activity, with two Thanksgiving services, one on 22nd September and one on 23rd. Friday and Saturday respectively.
I don't know how Donald, our minister at church, (or Team Leader as he prefers!) ever managed to put them together so beautifully in such a short space of time. I do recall he came to see us, the four of us, to map out the outline, and he had the most amazing suggestions. Each of us added a little bit, so we all made our own contribution, and then Matt's friends also, with readings and prayers. How did I function during those days? I know I did, as lots of people came and went.

So followed a week with the Police Family Liaison visiting us, keeping us informed as to the release of the bodies, where they were taken before that, and when the postmortems had taken place. That I could not bear...........................the thought of Matt on a cold slab, alone, injured and being opened up and his vital organs being poured over..........................it has made me cry again to think of it. But it was there in my mind in the quiet times and the early mornings.

Friends just kept on bringing in hot meals each evening for at least 4 weeks, and also sandwiches appeared each day, sometimes I would find a small plastic box on the doorstep containing cake or flapjack. To this day I have no idea who brought them. One of our friends actually cooked dinner for us on the Monday evening, 11th September, for 5 of us. Alan's friend being here. We were all numb with shock and lack of sleep.

Then the cards started to arrive, flowers and more people! During that following two weeks a tidal wave of love came into the house. People visited, stayed, 'phoned, wrote notes, letters and did practical jobs like ironing.

We worked on the African village principle, which some of our Mission partners had told us about. When someone died, the whole village would go and sit in and around the hut, just being there for 3 days, grieving and mourning.

That's how it felt in our home.

Matt and Heidi's friends were constantly about, comforting her, and our friends came and did the same for us. Alan needed his own space at times.........it was too much for him, and someone loaned him the key to their home. It was an enormous sense of help, comfort, and support.

One of the things I can recall is wanting to go through with a fine toothcomb the last few weeks before Matt died. It's as though my mind wanted to make sense of all that had happened. It couldn't reconcile the days and weeks when Matt was alive, to the ones in which we now found ourselves.

Picture of Lizard Lighthouse taken on September 9th 2006. The day before Matt died.

When was the last time I actually saw him?

What did we talk about?

When did I last speak to him by phone?

What did we say?

It became almost an obsession with me to have them ordered, as if my mind would be able to understand it better.

Last text message.......................this one taking on an importance all of its own , and to this day, I still have it on my mobile phone.................

The date..........8th September 2006 1.00pm. He had replied to a text I sent him saying I'd videoed a seal at Lizard Point for Heidi. We were in Conwall for a week, 2nd - 9th September (06)

What did it say, "Thanks! Heidi will love the video!"

Those were his very last words to me. Two days later he was dead.

So, the picture of the lighthouse taken the day we left to come home, has also taken on a life of its own. It was taken the day before he died. We then left to call on some friends in Bude on our way back, arriving home around 8.00pm on the Saturday evening.

It was a lovely month for weather.

On Sunday 10th, Matt and Chris and several more friends went to the Test match at Edgbaston. Usually he would keep phoning us up to tell us the score when he got very excited, or text to say another wicket down!

But his battery was dead and so he never received any of our text messages, and we did not have any from him. As England won, it was very unusual!! And after the accident, I so, so wished he had been able to receive them. But I was pleased they won. He would've been euphoric about that!

I think I wrote in my Teapot blog all about that too.

Even then it was as if I had to grasp what had happened................

Our immediate family began to arrive, some to stay, some to visit, some for the day even. Most of them living in the North of England it was a long way to travel. I discovered that my sister and her husband both took a day off work on that Monday morning, 11th September, to drive the 50 odd miles to my father's in Lancashire, rather than have him find out over the phone or have someone else tell him. I know now that he thought they had just decided to pay him a surprise visit...........................touchingly poignant really.

All our relatives had their own stories as to what they were doing, where they were, when the news was broken to them. Stephen's brother and his family, my sister and her family. My nephew had just flown to Thailand on 9th September, at the start of a 12 month "round the world" back-packing adventure. It wasn't easy to tell him, and it wasn't easy for him to hear. But we all said Matt would've wanted him to continue.

Then there were my cousins...................

The ripples went on ever outwards affecting more and more people.

My sister and husband brought my dad down with them on the 16th September, They gave me a magnolia bush, as we went to the garden centre, just to get out for a bit, away from the mayhem. It was the day before my dad's 88th birthday on the 17th.

The 17th was a Sunday, exactly one week since that awful night.We all decided to go to church, as it was a special service and Chris's family were going to be there.

It was extraordinary to see so many people there, and to feel the love and compassion. It was not easy, but I was so comforted by the worship that I simply sang my heart out. That's how I feel at times. Joy in the midst of all the pain. It is not the same for all of us. For me it was just the beginning of this long journey through the grief and pain......................

Two books of condolence had been opened in the church, and someone had put some toy frogs on Chris's table, he loved frogs! On Matt's someone had put a cricket ball.

It was like a rollercaster which never stopped for me, and looking back even now, I simply do not know how we got through..........when a few weeks down the line the grief would hit us like red hot irons entering flesh, searing, searing pain., wave after wave afer wave, sobbing, despairing, crying till I could cry no more with the exhaustion.

The enormity of the loss like a Grand Canyon.......................

2008-01-14T19:15:00.000Z

Sunrise January 12th 2008

To me, now, this is a significant date. On January 12th last year, a Friday, I had a phone call from our Police Family Liason Officers, Jan and Gary.

She had personally taken the trouble to ring, although she was not at work.

I can hardly believe it was a year ago.

The reaon for the call was to warn me that on the breaking news was the story of the crash once more. The lorry driver had unexpectedly decided to plead guilty, and was being taken to Stafford Crown Court.

I was completely thrown by this, as we were expecting a fullblown trial in March. As it happened we were spared all that. The sceduled date for the sentence hearing was laid down now as 9th February. (07). She also warned me that it was big in the media and all the photos and accident footage would be on tv. So, I sat down and watched, like a moth to a flame...............................

I could see Chris's car, a mangled wreck, and the lorry on its side, and the accident and emergency services all over the motorway. I wanted to know the worst............and it was as if I was another person viewing all the horror that had encompassed my son and his friend.

I had to make several phone calls then, to warn the rest of the family to be aware of the news. I didn't want those who used the train to see it on the internal tv's there. I was just about functioning through the afternoon as it wore on, and the crushing weight of tiredness returned.

All I could think of was " What did they think about just before it happened? Did they see the lorry coming? Did they pray? Did they suffer? How bad were their injuries? (The last question I could not think about too deeply, as it made me very frightened. )

It took several more months of pondering, agonising and praying, until I knew that I would have to speak to the person who identified them both at the Mortuary. He came to see us one evening in July (07), and I was finally able to put that piece of my jigsaw in place.

Looking back now, to those early frantic days, just after the accident, it seems like a dream........ I just simply don't know how we got through it all. I guess shock kicks in and you function on adrenalin, seeing visitors, receiving meals, cards, letters, phone calls, organising a Thanksgiving service, and a date. In those early days, I hardly slept, and the pain had not really started, as it had not really sunk in then that this was forever.................

I cannot remember how we chose the coffin, only by asking Stephen later did I realise he did it on his own, and he did so because he thought it was better that way.............................so many things I don't know about. What was Alan doing? What did I do about Heidi? I know she stayed here for almost 3 months.........

The house was overtaken by a tidal wave of people, who showed us so much love and care, it was an amazing outpouring that we will never forget. And that care continues to this day, 16 months on. It was so comforting to know that Matt had touched so many lives.

I wrote my first blog, "Diary of A Teapot" on Thursday, 28th September 2006, the day before Alan's 22nd birthday, when we were surrounded by over 300 cards that folk had sent to us after Matt died, and we cleared a space in one room for the birthday cards, so they did not sit with the ones of condolence.

I cannot forget the smell in the house...........................it was filled with flowers and even now, if I catch the scent of lilies it makes my heart pound and my throat go dry, and I can feel the overwhelming pain once more. Lilies are forever for me synonymous with those days.

At the moment I am reading a book called "Dear Charlie. Letters to a Lost Daughter".

I began to read it several months ago and found it too raw. Timelord has read it. Charlie was 13 when she was killed outright an a level crossing near her home. She had 2 brothers.

I quote from it now:

" I find it very difficult to write about what happened that day. Eight months on, we are still trapped in the surreal nightmare that descended on us that fateful morning. For the first month after the accident we were never alone. Friends, relatives, kindly strangers, all manner of people beat a path to our door. The madness was kept at bay by a miraculous outpouring of love............

For me, then, as it is now, and I know it always will be, I must find a way to keep a connection with my daughter. I began to write to her, talking to her as if she was away on holiday............"

Here is a man, seeking to make the jump across the big divide between life and death. To him it doesn't make sense if this life is all there is, and he has no recognised faith. But to read his soul searching is to realise that man, when confronted with death in its rawness, simply cannot accept the finality.

That made me realise that I did not, and still do not, seek a connection with Matt in that way. From the first moment I knew he had died, I also knew he was safe. What I find myself doing is wanting to see where he is, with Chris and Jesus and the countless, countless others, and to be there at times. God is used to me telling Him all this!!

10th September 2006

2008-01-10T19:19:00.000Z

July 2006

A few short weeks after this photo was taken in Lake Windermere, that last glorious summer we spent on holiday together as a family, Matt was dead.

I can write those words now.

It used to take me every ounce of courage to say them in those early days. Even opening my dog eared diary is like looking into another universe. There are the "before Matt died" and the "after Matt died" universes. We all inhabited one then in which life went on with its ups and downs, petty squabbles, mundane routine, a family complete. Ourselves, Stephen and I, Matt our eldest son (married to Heidi for almost 6 years in November 2006), and Alan, our youngest son, still at home but studying at University.

The "after Matt died" one is a bewildering place, one where we exist alongside all the other normal events and routine ones, but it doesn't make a lot of sense.

One of us is missing................................forever. That "forever" is a harsh reality and a frightening one at times. That fateful evening of 10th September will always be etched in our hearts and memories.

Here are some extracts from the diary I began to write to put my shattered feelings and grief on to paper. I wrote pages and pages.

"..............What do you do when the 'phone rings at around 2.45am? If you're like me you ignore it, thinking it is another crank caller once more. Then it rings again, more insistently.Start to wonder why..........

It stops.

It begins again and this time my younger son, Alan rushes down the stairs from his loft bedroom to answer the phone on the landing.We are all wide awake, listening to him talking to someone at the end of the line.... faint stirrings of anxiety begin to creep in.....is it my dad, has something happened to him?

Alan comes into our bedroom to say, in answer to my question "What is it? What's wrong?"

"It's the traffic police. They want us to go to Heidi's house."

My heart stopped and my blood ran cold and icy fingers of fear started to grip my throat.

We all knew then it was something major and all three of us threw on our clothes and drove to Heidi's and Matt's home, just twenty minutes away at night without the traffic. Alan was praying loudly in tongues in the back of the car.

The verse which came to me was:

"I will build my church and the Gates of Hell shall not prevail against it"

But none of us wanted to believe it was going to be SO bad. Maybe a bad accident, someone in hospital, intensive care, but surely, surely, not death?..................................................................

So around 3.15a.m or 3.20a.m we arrived outside Matt's home, and we were confronted with the sight of a large 4x4 Police Range Rover. A young policeman was waiting for us on the pavement, and took us in to meet a young police woman, who was standing with our daughter-in-law.

"What is it?" I cried out, "Is it Matt, is he hurt, injured?"

"He's dead" said Heidi, simply, and I shouted and sobbed, and I don't remember anyone else's reactions at all..................the world was spinning out of control in my head.

There was worse to come.....................Matt's friend Chris, our pastoral minister, was also dead. Heidi was in shock. She was totally numb and acting as if she was in a different place.

We were then gently told as best it could be told, that they had both been in stationary traffic at Junction 11a on the M6, that evening, after just having left Matt's under 30 minutes earlier, to drive to Liverpool, when they were hit from behind by a lorry. It takes awhile to process information when you don't want to accept it.

We were taken a step at a time, through what had happened, what would happen next, an inquest, possible charges, against the lorry driver. Not a straightforward accident......how can anything like this be straightforward? How do you hear all that is necessary and still comprehend it?

How can I ever describe the shock, horror, numbness, and the awfulness of that night which claimed two other lives, besides Matt and Chris, and left others injured? A blur, A scream? A dropping into space? "....................

Even now it's as though it happened in a dream and we weren't really there..........

The beginning.............................1976

2008-01-08T17:42:00.001Z

Wow, I can't believe I've actually managed to set up this blog! I just want a place to write out my diary entries for the last 16 months. It has been so long since we last saw our son, since his death on the motorway aged 30. A journey neither myself, my husband nor our other son, Alan, ever thought we would have to make. it happens to others not us.

His wife is devastated, after only 6 years of marriage. So, I begin, again, only this time maybe it will be simply me who reads it. Others may find it and choose to do so or not. I want it to be that way.

Some of the things I have to write are extremely difficult. So, here I go...........for the first time once more, writing about my lovely son.