Listening to the clock............August 2010

When I have had my breakfast, I like to sit in our back room, looking out at the garden, and then I open my Bible.

Quiet moments.........................

Special moments......................

I am privileged to have the time to spend reading and then in prayer.

These moments have become even more special during the past 4 years, (next month) since Matt's death.

A marshalling of thoughts, and a renewal of strength.

And do I need it still at times, to go on.

All this is now taking place alongside the ticking of dad's clock. A nice symmetry in that. He bought it not long after the death of my mum at the age of 70, in August 1990. He said it was like a friend, and helped him to cope with the silence of the evenings.

And now it is a reminder of them both.

So this morning before I sat down I wandered up the garden, and sniffed the air. There was a nip in it, and a sense of approaching autumn.

I used to love the onset of autumn, the richness of the colours, and the sharpness of the light. Some apples lay on the ground, fallen from our ancient tree. It has produced a good crop this year. They are surprisingly sweet.

I know every inch of that garden, and love grubbing about in the earth and pruning bushes and trimming the rampant hedges!!

But the nip in the air and the indefinable subtle shift in the colours of the shrubs and leaves made my heart lurch....................................................

September approaches.

And what do people say at times, after 4 years have almost passed, on 10th September, 2010

" Time heals"

" It gets better as time goes on"

"The sense of loss decreases"

" You are 'moving on' "

" Life goes on"

Well, I can categorically say

" No, time does not heal, and never will. The wound is still there, not as raw, but each morning and evening it makes it's presence felt"

" In lots of ways it does indeed get better, but it will never ever be the same without my son"

"Yes, I am moving on, that is how it should be, and I have no choice, the alternative would be not to live anymore, and that is an easy option"

" Life goes on............................all around, the ups and downs, the good times, better times, difficult times, joyful ones, downright bad ones, life will always go on........................we have to choose to face it head on"

For that I have my special moments each day, wherever possible, and a Saviour who suffered for me brings me comfort.

Autumn beckons

Edges of leaves beginning to appear in subtler moods of russet reds

Landscapes of rolling corn, yellow against an inky dark storm-approaching sky, lit by a decreasing sun-strength.

Birds are quiet

Fledglings flown

Fruit trees weighed down

And the waves break over the rocks where you are hidden.....................

The seagulls wheel overhead

Autumn beckons...............................

My heart lurches with the memory

So it will be because when we love deeply,

We inwardly mourn deeply, hidden from the world,

In a private place,

Our own thoughts

Of a baby nestled close

First laugh

First step

First word

First birthday

First friend

First school

First "I love you mum"

First heartbreak

First prayer

First home

First car

..................................................

30th birthday.

Last day.

10th September 2006

So, my heart tells me what I already know,

September beckons.