Sunday, 13 December 2009

Christmas is coming, Matt. (December 2009)


We had good times, exciting times at Christmas. There were times when it wasn't so too.
But you always anticipated it with such eagerness and zest!
Our lives have forever changed, Matt.
People may think that grief can be compartmentalised into stages, or a pattern..........
Yes, there are certain things which do "fit" the grief journey process, but by and large, I've found since you died in September 2006, that it can be circular..
What I felt then can come back at any time, through a random event which triggers a memory.
Last night we were watching tv when the song which was sung at your wedding began.................................." I'll be kissing you" and I couldn't listen any more.
Ok it was on "Strictly Come Dancing" and eventually the storm in me subsided. But I was in tears......as I could suddenly see you there..........alive again. And realising again your absence like a searing pain.
I learn to live with it, address it, talk to close friends about it, others who knew you, loved you.............you will never be forgotten............
And Christmas is coming again, without you. An empty space..............a remembered time of Christmases with you.
So, sometimes my pain is hiddden, when well meaning people ask, "How are you?" and I know full well if I told them exactly how it is, they wouldn't cope with it.
I drove back down the M6 on Thursday morning, Matt, and past the place where you were killed, normally it doesn't affect me, as I just pay you silent homage........but this time, as I drove past and down the M6 Toll homewards, the tears began to fall. I was coming home to face another Christmas without you.
How long will it be till it doesn't feel like a Grand Canyon of grief, never.
Like I said
I learn to live with the pain.
Love you Matt,
Miss you.
PS You would laugh at the d├ęcor on the old photo here!!

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