Christmas is coming, Matt. (December 2009)

We had good times, exciting times at Christmas. There were times when it wasn't so too.

But you always anticipated it with such eagerness and zest!

Our lives have forever changed, Matt.

People may think that grief can be compartmentalised into stages, or a pattern..........

Yes, there are certain things which do "fit" the grief journey process, but by and large, I've found since you died in September 2006, that it can be circular..

What I felt then can come back at any time, through a random event which triggers a memory.

Last night we were watching tv when the song which was sung at your wedding began.................................." I'll be kissing you" and I couldn't listen any more.

Ok it was on "Strictly Come Dancing" and eventually the storm in me subsided. But I was in tears......as I could suddenly see you there..........alive again. And realising again your absence like a searing pain.

I learn to live with it, address it, talk to close friends about it, others who knew you, loved you.............you will never be forgotten............

And Christmas is coming again, without you. An empty space..............a remembered time of Christmases with you.

So, sometimes my pain is hiddden, when well meaning people ask, "How are you?" and I know full well if I told them exactly how it is, they wouldn't cope with it.

I drove back down the M6 on Thursday morning, Matt, and past the place where you were killed, normally it doesn't affect me, as I just pay you silent homage........but this time, as I drove past and down the M6 Toll homewards, the tears began to fall. I was coming home to face another Christmas without you.

How long will it be till it doesn't feel like a Grand Canyon of grief, never.

Like I said

I learn to live with the pain.

Love you Matt,

Miss you.

PS You would laugh at the décor on the old photo here!!

Always in my heart.

Remembering your Wedding Anniversary

November 18th 2000

I come up through the layers of sleep

Each day

And I remember.

I waken to the sounds outside

I see the day unfold

A day you cannot see.

My heart has that familiar lurch of pain....

There have been so many days without you now

But it is only like yesterday that you were gone

In a flash

In an instant

Broken beyond repair...........

How can I ever forget?

Never.

The depth of silence in my life where you existed is profound

I can hear your voice at times

But it is no longer real..................

I see your smile

And I long to see you.

And I know

I will never be the same

We are left here

Those of us who love you

Who go on without you......................

As we have to do...........

Marking each anniversary

Each birthday

Each memory

So you remain with us.

The ripples of your life that was

Flow on in others

Each having a different track

A different story

Some are yet to be told...............

I have to face the day

Each day

Afresh

Dry the tears

And push through the pain

But know

You were so loved

And eventually

Slowly

I can smile.

Random thoughts in the first week of September

Blogs

I started writing my first blog in September 2006. It helped me to put down in writing how I felt about the events, now 3 years ago next week, of that 9th month, and beyond.
It was called "The Diary of a Teapot" .

Eventually, I printed it all out, and deleted it. I wanted a change.

















The next blog was called "Musings Of a Tea Drinker".

I began that one early last year and now it too, has changed into
"Is there anymore tea in that pot?"
This one is still going alongside the one I write in here..............


I was pleased to see that "Tractor Girl" has started one of her own. I have benefitted from writing. it has been cathartic and therapeutic, and keeps me connected in a small way to my son, Matt. He wrote his own blog under the title " Freelance Nerd"
He was still writing it the week that he died.

I had them all spread out this morning on the bed. I keep them in a folder, and it is surprising when I re read them, to actually find that I have become that bit stronger. It sometimes doesn't feel like that when a random event, another tragedy, or a vivid memory suddenly open up the underlying chasm of grief, which is always there, and always will be.

There have been good days to remember in the last couple of years.
The first year having passed in a blur.
Some downright bizarre!! Like the day I saw a bloke taking his pet python for a walk in Haslingden, where I had just stopped with my dad in the car, to buy some cake! I got out to talk to him and as I always have a camera

handy, the result is what you see!!
Looking at these photos makes me wonder how on earth we all coped......

I also write my own personal diaries. The red one is the first year and beyond and the blue one is still going but almost full up.

But I still need to write.
The fact that I don't write as often, shows that I have made progress in my journey.
People talk about " the beginning of the grief journey" and it is true.
We all of us who grieve, have to go on this road we never wanted, and we can only do this ourselves.
Oh yes, friends, amazing ones for us, strong family, random strangers, shared memories, all are vital. But our grief is our own. It is unique in the way we related to the one whom we loved who is no longer there. Each of us in a different way.
People who knew Matt each have their own unique memories, all different, some shared. For me he is totally irreplaceable.

So here I am again, another September, three years on, having met a man last weekend whose son was killed by a hit and run driver in Bristol in May He was 11 years old.
We were in church with Alan and Jenny in Bristol last Sunday morning when the young man spoke of his devastastation, and his need to try and rebuild his shattered family.
He talked of it being the worst ever dreadful time in his life, and how he never wanted to live through anything else like that again.
Our hearts went out to him.
I spoke with him afterwards, and he told me some of the story and said "I am only now, after 4 months beginning to feel a bit like I can survive".
He has plumbed the depths of his own personal Grand Canyon, and faith.
But he was pleased I had spoken to him, and it was one of those moments that are meant to happen.

So, the sun is shining, the wind blustery, one of my friends just phoned to see how I am, and ask me out for a meal next week................God moments...........to those who look for them.

Matt Days..............

Tuesday 30th June 2009 4.45 am Dawn

We have a saying here,...."It's a Matt day today".

I don't know quite how it came about, but we use the two words on days which are sunny, warm, with cloudless blue skies, and the earth looking beautiful.

And in winter, autumn and spring, it's the same.

When the days are cold, bright, frosty, or all the colours of gold, reds, oranges and yellows, in the mists of autumn, and spring green, fresh and new. Bulbs showing through the soil, leaves unfurling on the trees.

There are always "Matt days".

They come sometimes with beautiful dawns, glowing sunsets, and long summer evenings, when the light simply fades away.

I woke early this morning and the sun was just peeping over the tops of the trees at the back of the house.

I took some photos, thinking of Matt as I always do.

The summer after he died, 2007, was so wet and dismal that he would've hated it, and it only reflected how we all felt without him............

Last year was just the same and the wet weather and gloomy days which should have been bright and sunny, made people long for a better summer. as they faced the onset of autumn.

This year, however, we may, even yet, have a good summer.

The days have been hot and sunny recently and the garden plants have bloomed in profusion.

We have had plenty of "Matt days".

These can bring a sting in the tail, as they remind us so much of the last good summer he was here, and which he so enjoyed, and his words as he made a little video of his garden were,

"It's the hottest summer I've known, and next year it's supposed to get even hotter..........I can even hear crickets in the garden............."

are forever enshrined in my memory, as it was not to be, and he was not to see a new year.

So, these warm summer days, and lovely evenings with their fading translucent light, remind me of him so much, and my heart aches.

I miss him.

As I write the familiar lurch of pain is there, now almost 3 years come September, .................how can it be so long Matt? It seems like yesterday.

People get on with their lives, go separate ways, walking into the future.......but somehow recently, Matt, I've not been doing so good without you.

Little things set me off, tears near the surface, and I don't want to be a wet blanket or always be someone who is thought of as "not coping very well".

So, I hide, except from those who know me best, and with whom I can really be me and honest about how I feel.

It's how I miss you as the sun appears, but not for you,

The sound of the summer breeze stirring the trees

Warmth of a beautiful day

Sunflowers growing,

The smell of cut grass,

Sounds of distant traffic in the stillness of evening drifting on the air

Family gatherings without you

My life without you

Your smile,

Your voice

Your face

Your laugh

Your uniqueness

Your love of reading

Love of people

Your vulnerability

Your aliveness

I miss you so very very much, Matt, forever in my heart.

But Jesus says

" You don't have to wait for the End. I am right now the Resurrection and Life.

The one who believes in Me, even though he or she dies, will live.

And everyone who lives believing in Me does not ultimately die at all"

John 11 The Message.

Love you Matt, see you again...............!

April 2009

You may ask why did I decide to publish my "private" blog.
Over the past two and a half years, I have come across several people who have talked to us about publishing our other blogs, as they have found them helpful. Helpful in the sense that it either
a) gave them some insight into grief, or
b) gave them a sense of identifying with mine and Stephen's experiences of grief since Matt and Chris died.

It is Matt's birthday tomorrow, and here today, the sense of "rawness" is not as great, and we remember him more with love and affection rather than the gut wrenching pain which usually took over.

The last two birthday's were quite stressful, as last year we were collecting our stolen car from the police, having been burgled two weeks earlier, and the year before, I received a phone call the day after to say that my dad was in hospital and a friend of ours had died suddenly, in Lancashire. So I was back on the M6 and also went to a funeral as well as visiting dad in hospital.

I was away from home again for two weeks, at a time when I needed the security and familiarity of it.

This week has been absolutely glorious for weather. just what Matt would've so enjoyed.... and the skies are blue, the birds in song, the cherry trees heavy with hanging blossom, and trees in new green lushness. Tomorrow, there will only be the two of us, Alan now married and living away, and Heidi living up North, and working there. We are going to Stratford! As Matt shared his birthday with William Shakespeare, of whom we are great fans.There is to be a birthday parade! So we can silently pay homage to our son as it passes by..............

Happy Birthday Matt, until we meet again. x