Evenings and mornings..............June 2011

The evenings are long now, and the last of the light hardly fades before midnight.

I always have a camera handy, Matt, which can irritate some people............! But it's as if I have to capture the moments.............

I took this photo just before 11.00pm one evening this week, as I was closing the upstairs blinds for the night.

I stood and thought of you, as I always do.

There is only a short span between nightfall and dawn at this time of year.

As I'd watched the last of the glow on the horizon, so I was awake when the first blackbird began his song,and the fingers of the new day crept into the garden from the east. It was hardly 4.00am.

Is it an indulgence to miss you so keenly?

Gone from the earth in a matter of minutes.............I remember then in the days and weeks that followed, the gazing at the sky each evening and thinking "Matt's no longer on this earth"

And the vastness of the skies at night, with their myriads of stars, mirrored a huge deep void in me. Lonely skies, quiet in their far away-ness................ unreachable on their outer limits..........like I cannot reach you now.

I hide.

People don't really want to hear the same thing over and over again...................or is it that I feel somehow I've failed to "move on"?

Nothing can ever alter what happened, and nothing can ever alter my inward loneliness and longing after you.

It is always there...................evenings and mornings............................

Yes, our lives go on, yes, I am so excited about our first grandchild, but it comes with the loss.............in the joyful family events of marriages and births, anniversaries, birthdays, there is one person missing who should be there.

So, evenings and mornings I think of you , and myriads of times in between.

And tomorrow, we go to Cornwall, and we will remember you in the place in which you lay...............................