Friday, 2 November 2012

Seven autumns,seven winters............. 2006-2012

Here I am again, thinking of you..........
Since you left, we have had seven autumns and seven winters,
Six springs and six summers. 
The autumn you left is remembered as a blur of pain, 
Punctuated by beautiful sunlit skies, and glorious sunsets, 
After the hottest summer we experienced in years. 
It seemed so incongruous, to live with all that beauty 
And all that vibrancy, 
When you could not see it. 
And we could never see you again. 
I took refuge in the solace of our garden,
It was one of the only places that I felt really safe. 
And in the passing of the years and seasons until now, 
I have spent hours out there................
I have changed the garden, just as I have changed, 
Only I wanted it to be a place awash with colour 
Reflecting the way that I always think of you 
Smiling, laughing, caring. 
So if you could see it today, 
I know you would love it. 

I painted this from a photograph I took 4 weeks after you died. It was a day that made me feel, just for a little while, that I could go on living.  
                      I had gone into the local park to find somewhere to be on my own and sit awhile. 
The sunlight began to filter through the trees and just for a short time, I felt that I would, maybe, be able one day to enjoy the beauty around me, without the crushing weight of loss.  I did not immediately set to work as I was so devastatingly tired.
I began in the depth of that winter of 2006/7 and finished it by March 2007, when it won  a place in the Local Sutton Artist's exhibition. You would have been so proud.  
It is framed and on the wall in our lounge, a reminder that now after all this time I can enjoy beautiful days without the agony I felt then, because those days only served to remind me that you could not share them. 
You loved the park, and you also took photos there.              

Matt's photo taken in summer 2006, Sutton  Park. 
The autumn colours  appear on the leaves of the cherry tree planted in memory of Matt, in the grounds of the school opposite our house. The school he attended till he was 11 years old.
So, Matt, as the evenings now begin to shorten with the onset of winter, and dusk descends at 5.00pm, as your dad and I were tidying up the garden for it's winter sleep today, I thought of you. Seven winters and seven autumns, we miss you.
Love mumxx  

1 comment:

GrahamForeverInMyHeart said...

Your writing is beautiful and heartfelt.
It is clear how much Matt was and is loved.