Sunday, 25 November 2012

When you walk through a storm........hold your head up high...

 My dear, dear Matthew,
A door opened once again this last week, unbidden and unexpected, back to the depths of grief I felt almost 6 years ago. A suddeness, a shaking, a dropping into the dark chasm of pain.
It swept me off my feet and squeezed the breath out of my body.
Maybe it was worse because I wasn't well for a few days and spent sleepless nights propped up with several pillows unable to breathe properly until the vicious 'flu like symptoms abated.
 Several days earlier we had welcomed into our home for a few days, your widow and her new husband, also called Matthew, and spent a few days getting to know him a little better. You would like him. He is a gentle soul. And it could not have been easy for him to come and stay, where there are photos of you all over the house. 
He met once again your brother and his wife and 1 year old son, when we had a family get together  last Sunday. 
But, and I say it honestly, after a while it became more apparent to me, as they left to tour around other places for a few days, that I was beginning to feel more emotional and painful. (Maybe the onset of the flu like virus did not exactly help.)
 When the house became quiet again, it felt strange. 
Not something I could control, which is always a scary place for me. Why? I asked myself ? Why now? 
Ok I wasn't well, but it was deeper than that. 
A door had been opened once again, into those awful days of early grief, when tiredness and pain were constant companions. This new relationship which has presented itself, only serves to highlight the fact that it is not you by her side anymore. Even when I know that, and accept it, wholeheartedly without question, liking him very much.      
It is a gaping hole, that can never be filled, or cemented in, even the depths of which can never be plumbed, nor healed, it goes down into the abyss, endless, vast and alone. 
You are gone. 
Gone from me, 
My child that I bore,
That I so loved and will do forever,
From your first breath 
Till your last 
When I was not able to hold you in my arms and wish you goodbye, 
And others gathered your broken body 
From that nightmare scene,
Whilst we were still unaware........
Then a Silence of you..............
No Longer a presence of you............
But our love for you will never die, and you will never be forgotten.

Forever your mumxxxx


GrahamForeverInMyHeart said...

I understand how you feel, your love for your your son is so palpable. I am still in the beginning stages of this grief and pain and have not yet had any respite from the agony.

Craig Mackay said...

Hi Viv,
Thank you for your comment on my blog. I'm so sorry to read of your loss,and reading through your blog has been a privilege, albeit such a painful story to share....I recognise so much of the journey. I really felt your poem on 15 Nov 09 captured things very well (ironically my Karena's last birthday).
I have taken a leaf out of your book today and written a letter to Karena on my blog....
Sorry too to read of another huge wave of grief engulfing over this last week...we will pray for you over the coming days.
Much love,