Tuesday 30th June 2009 4.45 am Dawn
We have a saying here,...."It's a Matt day today".
I don't know quite how it came about, but we use the two words on days which are sunny, warm, with cloudless blue skies, and the earth looking beautiful.
And in winter, autumn and spring, it's the same.
When the days are cold, bright, frosty, or all the colours of gold, reds, oranges and yellows, in the mists of autumn, and spring green, fresh and new. Bulbs showing through the soil, leaves unfurling on the trees.
There are always "Matt days".
They come sometimes with beautiful dawns, glowing sunsets, and long summer evenings, when the light simply fades away.
I woke early this morning and the sun was just peeping over the tops of the trees at the back of the house.
I took some photos, thinking of Matt as I always do.
The summer after he died, 2007, was so wet and dismal that he would've hated it, and it only reflected how we all felt without him............
Last year was just the same and the wet weather and gloomy days which should have been bright and sunny, made people long for a better summer. as they faced the onset of autumn.
This year, however, we may, even yet, have a good summer.
The days have been hot and sunny recently and the garden plants have bloomed in profusion.
We have had plenty of "Matt days".
These can bring a sting in the tail, as they remind us so much of the last good summer he was here, and which he so enjoyed, and his words as he made a little video of his garden were,
"It's the hottest summer I've known, and next year it's supposed to get even hotter..........I can even hear crickets in the garden............."
are forever enshrined in my memory, as it was not to be, and he was not to see a new year.
So, these warm summer days, and lovely evenings with their fading translucent light, remind me of him so much, and my heart aches.
I miss him.
As I write the familiar lurch of pain is there, now almost 3 years come September, .................how can it be so long Matt? It seems like yesterday.
People get on with their lives, go separate ways, walking into the future.......but somehow recently, Matt, I've not been doing so good without you.
Little things set me off, tears near the surface, and I don't want to be a wet blanket or always be someone who is thought of as "not coping very well".
So, I hide, except from those who know me best, and with whom I can really be me and honest about how I feel.
It's how I miss you as the sun appears, but not for you,
The sound of the summer breeze stirring the trees
Warmth of a beautiful day
Sunflowers growing,
The smell of cut grass,
Sounds of distant traffic in the stillness of evening drifting on the air
Family gatherings without you
My life without you
Your smile,
Your voice
Your face
Your laugh
Your uniqueness
Your love of reading
Love of people
Your vulnerability
Your aliveness
I miss you so very very much, Matt, forever in my heart.
But Jesus says" You don't have to wait for the End. I am right now the Resurrection and Life.
The one who believes in Me, even though he or she dies, will live.
And everyone who lives believing in Me does not ultimately die at all"
John 11 The Message.
Love you Matt, see you again...............!
