Christmas is coming again, the sixth without you.............

 Well, Matthew,
Here we are again, it's Christmas time. This year it is very different. There will only be your dad and I on Christmas Day, for the first time I can ever remember since we have been married. And on Christmas Eve it is 41 years since we got engaged.We will spend Christmas Eve with your brother and his wife and our lovely grandson, now 11weeks old. His mum said to him that when he is old enough they will tell him about his Uncle Matthew, (who would have been 35 this year.)      

Our Christmas tree this year. December 2011

I have decorated the tree and hung lights outside, as I love Christmas time - and as we've said many times before, so did you. Only I feel a sense of sadness in it all. There have been major changes in our family once again which you were not able to see or to be there. Two more of your cousins were married, and weddings make the lack of your presence more noticeable. Your nephew was born. And your young wife remarried, and is making her home in America. We are really pleased for her. She is moving into a large family.    

Smudge the rabbit and Rudolf the reindeer. December 2011 

So, Matthew, I've included a photo of Smudge the rabbit and Rudolf the reindeer. Why?

They are both things which were very special.

Smudge the rabbit was bought for my mum by my dad years ago. She died 21 years ago this year,aged just 70. After she died Smudge lived at the bottom of the stairs in dad's home, sitting in a wicker basket and wrapped up in a scarf. When dad could no longer live on his own, Smudge went with him to his Residential home and sat on his bed.

Inanimate things can be "real" when they are cherished for the memories they hold or simply because of the person to whom they belong. 

I now have Smudge here. He sits on the bed, still wrapped in his scarf, a reminder of my mum and dad. 

Rudolf was given to you Matt, one Christmas, by your wife, and we all laughed as he looks like a reindeer with attitude and a face that is full of mischief! 

After you left us Rudolf took on a different significance, going everywhere with your young widow. . But it became time to close the door finally and begin a new chapter, so Rudolf is now here with us. 

A tangible reminder of a cheeky grin, a sometimes irritated "don't suffer fools gladly" stare and a heart that cared for others. 

He went to work with your dad the other day, as there was a competition for the most creatively dressed desk in the office. 

And he was a big hit, even though no prize was won!      

So on our sixth Christmas without you since September 2006, I love you, I miss you and hold you in my heart. 

Mumxx   

Return to the Lizard, Cornwall. October 2011.

Footprints in the sand

I came down to the Lizard a few days ago, to spend some time on my own in the place I love so well. The place we all used to stay as a family, along with your grandad, year in year out, and where we had such happy times. I saw my new grandson last week, your nephew, and it was a wonderful experience. I am going to love being a granny! I have spent the days in quiet reflection each morning, and the afternoons walking the cliff paths, and along the empty beach at Polurrian. I can hear echoes of your voice mingled with that of grandad and the others and it makes me smile. We will never lose you, Matt, you are forever with us.  And on days like today, walking along the beach, for once, I remember you without the sense of loss.                  

Polurrian Cove. 

Letter to Matthew

Timelord and Teapot Sutton Park September 2011The new grandparents! 

October 2011

Dear Matthew ,
On Wednesday 5th October 2011, your brother and his wife had their first baby. A boy.
He is called Samuel Robin. You would have like that.
All kinds of mixed emotions have been swirling round in me for weeks, surrounding this new addition to our family.
All mixed up with recollections of your birth, your brother's birth, and how we were so overjoyed to welcome our own children into the world.

I wish you were here to see your new nephew.

It is difficult to explain to others how it can be hard when we celebrate another important milestone without you. We are so very, very, happy and at the same time it highlights the empty space which you filled with your living presence.

A proud dad and his first son, Matthew. April 1976

Of course it makes us grandparents! Wow! And it is an amazing feeling!

Matthew holding his new brother.September 1984

Matt holding his 3 month old brother, December 1984 

We will go to see our new grandson soon, and I can't wait to hold him. A whole new chapter beginning, in a whole new life. So, Matt, I know you would've been a great uncle. And one day, when our grandson is grown, I expect his brother may tell him about you...................Love always Mumxx      

9/10 and 9/11. A weekend of reflection.........................

Lizard Point. Cornwall. England  A quiet moment. 

A father remembers his son. WTC New York USA

Above Grasmere and Rydal Water.The Lake District. England.

This year saw our 5th Anniversary of 9/10 alongside the 10 year Anniversary of 9/11.
I looked at the photo of the father simply placing his hand on his son's name and I was deeply moved.
A world of pain separates him from us, and yet I somehow felt connected. Although I cannot even begin to contemplate how they feel, constantly seeing how their loved ones died like an ever running video, over and over again. Year in, year out.
But for them, 10 years on, the important thing is that they are not forgotten. And the grief is still palpable. Anniversaries will always be that way.
 
We can choose to remember our 9/10 in the way in which each of us feels is most helpful. All of us who were joined togther by Matt and Chris's deaths share a deep bond. It is important for us to remain in contact, Chris's family and very close friends, our little family and very close friends.We see each other throughout the year, share stories about them, laugh and weep over them, and encourage each other along.  
And in the week before the 10th we are once again sending each other cards, exchanging phone calls, talking about them, and yes, grieving them too. But this is a shared grief and it serves to strengthen, as we all have the need to remember.
Stephen and I had a few days in the Lake District in the quiet Langdale Valley.
On the 10th we went for a long walk over the fell and down into Rydal Water. As we were walking along we received several mobile phone text messages from our friends and family to say they were thinking of us. (As we indeed were thinking of them.)
We received several cards. Touching messages written inside, and one with anecdotes about Matt. I keep all these in a special box.
It was a peaceful reflective day, and after walking on into Ambleside, where we refuelled on toasted tea cakes, (me!) and Borrowdale tea bread and cheese(him!) we then walked the next 3 and a half miles back to where we were staying. A round trip of about 7 miles. We enjoyed the views inspite of the showers, and saw several deer. One obligingly jumped the fence practically under our noses as we crept up to have a closer look.
Such graceful creatures.
So we passed by another date forever etched in our hearts.
And we go on into another year.
 

We will remember you on September 10th 2011.

Matt on Helm Crag, Grasmere. July 2006. 

September once more...........5 years on,

June 2005

California 2005 Taking photos! 

Lizard Point. Cornwall September 2007

Well, Matt, 
Here we are again, on the threshhold of the month of September. I used to love the sense of it, the autumn arriving,however, each year since you've been gone, I say to myself, "It will be different this time, and I am doing ok" 
Then I catch the sight of the first leaves beginning to change colour, my heart aches. 

Matt taking photos. Cadgwith  Cornwall  

                                                          So, I am  not going to write much this time,                                                               and                                                                             simply place your photos in this place. 

April 2005

4th July 2006

Our son, first born, and deeply loved..................

Matt 1977 Cowplain Hampshire 

Padstow, Cornwall, 1980

Morocco 1999

So, here are some of the memories..............

Matt April 1980

Matt at Edgbaston Cricket Ground

River  Rothay , Grasmere, July 2006 

A Grief Remembered: Evenings and mornings..............June 2011

A Grief Remembered: Evenings and mornings..............June 2011

Evenings and mornings..............June 2011

The evenings are long now, and the last of the light hardly fades before midnight.

I always have a camera handy, Matt, which can irritate some people............! But it's as if I have to capture the moments.............

I took this photo just before 11.00pm one evening this week, as I was closing the upstairs blinds for the night.

I stood and thought of you, as I always do.

There is only a short span between nightfall and dawn at this time of year.

As I'd watched the last of the glow on the horizon, so I was awake when the first blackbird began his song,and the fingers of the new day crept into the garden from the east. It was hardly 4.00am.

Is it an indulgence to miss you so keenly?

Gone from the earth in a matter of minutes.............I remember then in the days and weeks that followed, the gazing at the sky each evening and thinking "Matt's no longer on this earth"

And the vastness of the skies at night, with their myriads of stars, mirrored a huge deep void in me. Lonely skies, quiet in their far away-ness................ unreachable on their outer limits..........like I cannot reach you now.

I hide.

People don't really want to hear the same thing over and over again...................or is it that I feel somehow I've failed to "move on"?

Nothing can ever alter what happened, and nothing can ever alter my inward loneliness and longing after you.

It is always there...................evenings and mornings............................

Yes, our lives go on, yes, I am so excited about our first grandchild, but it comes with the loss.............in the joyful family events of marriages and births, anniversaries, birthdays, there is one person missing who should be there.

So, evenings and mornings I think of you , and myriads of times in between.

And tomorrow, we go to Cornwall, and we will remember you in the place in which you lay...............................

Your 35th birthday is coming up on Saturday 23rd April 2011

Hello Matthew,

Here I am again! Not doing too good this week, but that is how it goes some times................

I love this photo of you.

I can see your eyelashes and your fine hair.

And almost rub the stubble on your chin.

Feel the warmth of your breath as you give me a hug...............................

I miss you.

Sometimes something triggers the underground well of grief, and on Sunday evening I was in church with your dad, when I became aware of the blue flashing lights of emergency vehicles shining in through one of the windows.

It was a trigger.

8.40pm on a Sunday evening is the time we will never forget.

And we were in church then too.

So seeing those lights, suddenly brought the memory of that other fateful night back to the fore....

And as the last song began, it happened to be the one we sang at your Thanksgiving.

I simply felt the whole floodgates open and I sobbed, until I could sob no more. The pain was as overwhelming as it had been in the days and weeks after you were killed.

It was so immediate and real.

I love you so much, and miss you so much it cannot be measured.

So as always after that happens, and the pain has burnt itself out for awhile, I am exhausted. Even now, after 4 and a half years.

But I know it will always be so.

Most of the time I can get on with living, and remember you with a smile, and enjoy the world around me. Meeting friends, gardening, reading, the everyday routines which are part of daily life, still making progress with my French, which I began when I thought one day you would end up working in a French speaking country.

You would be amazed now Matt, at how well I can converse!

A lot has happened again since your last birthday.

Grandad's funeral, James's wedding, your Uncle Andrew's Ordination as a Baptist minister, and now your brother is going to be a dad!

And I am going to be "Granny Sellers" !!

And your dad a grandad!!

You would've been a brilliant uncle.

Next week we will all be at the wedding of your cousin Sarah in Skipton. Another special

day without you.......................................

And oh, Matt, how you would've loved the spring sunshine we are having just now. The cherry trees have never looked so beautiful, the back birch tree is in leaf, and in the grounds of the school opposite here, a lovely white flowering cherry planted in your memory, blossomed early.

The birds are in full voice.................................

I miss you. Forever

Your mumxx

Poem for Matt written in 2008

Poem for Matt

There's a hole in the world

Where you used to be.

It is perfectly shaped in your form,

A vacuum, but it's there.

Like reaching into the space where you

Lived and breathed.

It's a mocking illusion.

There's a hole in me

Where you used to be

Gaping,raw,aching,

Arms cannot wrap around space.

There's a hole everywhere I turn

It travels with me silently

Wherever I go

It is always with me

A reminder of all that we have lost

And, on returning, the memories

Burning

Down the years where you were real

Tangible,loved, living, breathing.

There are holes in the world

I recognise others-

Children lost forever

Parents who grieve

Over what might have been.....................

And now snatched away

Suddenly,

Leaving only brokenness.

There's a sadness in their eyes

Like a reflection

From a deep well

Of pain

Hidden but always there....

Surfacing at times to overflow.

And it goes on until

We leave a hole in the world."

Mothering Sunday 2011

My mum and dad with Matthew near their home in Rawtenstall.

I still find Mothering Sunday so hard and once again this past year more changes in our lives. I feel the loss of my dad keenly. My mum died in 1990.

And there are still times when I need to write about Matthew more than others.

I've ceased caring what others think about it.

He was my flesh and blood, carried for 9 months and a wonderful gift.

How can I not feel that loss above all others so deep, so vast, so forever.

And the wonderful news about our first grandchild, due to arrive in the autumn, has stirred so many memories. They come unbidden to the surface.........

How it felt to hold him, his smell, his smile, his tiny fingers and toes, his cuddliness, and warmth.....his aliveness.

This year we will be on our own on Mothering Sunday, as our son lives in Bristol, with his lovely wife, soon to be another family unit, with two cousins already living nearby, and close family on the doorstep.

Then the grief is strong. The emptiness of my life where Matt used to be, and now there is only a sense of his life in Birmingham, impressions of him, stirrings of the voice which used to speak to me, and living not far away.

So I have closed my Facebook account today, for the time being, to take refuge in other words.

I could not face the Mother's Day wishes that I would inevitably read there , on a day when I will not see either of my sons.

Cowardly?

No, I need to be able to sometimes have the strategies for dealing with how I feel.

It is always the special days that are the hardest.

Birthdays, Christmas, Anniversaries.......and each one who knows loss says the same.

Being a mother is the deepest, most profound experience, and having physically given birth, the bond is one which is absolute.

It goes on forever.