Dear Matthew,
We have had a busy couple of weekends recently. Your brother celebrated his 28th birthday on 29th September and on 5th October his own son reached his first birthday. So we thought of you, as we always do, each and every day that goes by, and wished you could have been there to celebrate both events.
Samuel had a party the day after his birthday, and it was a beautifully sunny autumn day. Saturday October 6th. We had travelled down for his actual birthday being greeted by his huge smile as we arrived at the house.
But the sense of you not being there was very real. It is so hard to explain how in such a happy occasion I can feel the sharp pang of grief mixed in. Your nephew is a happy, generally laid back, child. And you will never see him on this earth.
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1st Birthday party for our grandson
Samuel Robin Sellers |
It seems so long ago now, your first birthday, but the memories are stirred and I have to express how I feel. As I write it is a glorious October morning with crisp, sharp light and changing colours on the trees. We arrived home again late yesterday afternoon. But, Matthew, I found a tangible way, for me at least, of taking you with us to Samuel's party weekend.
Last year your Graduation tee-shirt was returned to us with several more of your things that your young widow thought we would like, before she went to live, and remarry, in America. I found it in the bottom of a cupboard, when I was looking for something else. Your dad had put it there so I wouldn't see it and be distressed.
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| Matthew on his first birthday. April 23rd 1977 |
I took it out and held it close to me, and the tears welled up unbidden. I eventually took out the other things and I put them in the wash. As they dried outside on the line, I looked again at your tee-shirt and once it was ironed, I put it on. It was comforting to wear your name. So I packed it in the overnight bag, and wore it to sleep in on Friday evening. I am wearing it as I write this, the morning after the birthday party.
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| Graduation tee-shirt. |
So, Matthew, when I go to bed I wear your name, next to me.
Love you always and forever,
Mumxx
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| Portsmouth University 1998. |
