Two little words..........

Me and Sammy. Playing  

Here I am.........on a quiet morning....waking from sleep with tears in my eyes. 

It  is always the unexpected remark or memory stirred that takes me unawares and stops me in my tracks.

It is birthday season again. 

Yesterday we went to see your brother and his family for the day. It is his birthday today, his 29th. Next weekend it will be Sammy's. He will be two years old. 

So for the second time in a week, I drove the 90 miles south, having done the return journey mid week on my own. Yesterday Stephen drove us home. 

It was a lovely time. 

We were greeted by a very excited grandson exclaiming as he came to the door with his dad, 

"It's granny, AND grandad!" And a beautiful smile from our grand-daughter Libby, now 8 months old. 

The house was decorated with banners and balloons and we had a birthday cake with candles at lunchtime, a celebration shared. Family time. 

  We had a "one day early" birthday so they could decide how they wanted to celebrate Al's actual one today.  

    Later on we went to a nearby pub for a meal, being joined by our daughter-in-law, Jen's, brother, also called Matthew, and his family. 

Sammy and his cousin, being 6 months apart in age, greeted each other with great glee and proceeded to play together  in a whirlwind of chasing about and eventually sitting down together in matching highchairs, alongside Libby in hers, and Sammy's older cousin, who is now at school, sitting at the table 

      So, why the tears this morning?

     It is so hard to explain how it sometimes rears up and wells over. 

Yet there was a reason for how I feel now, and how I felt at one particular point yesterday afternoon....... in a public place, surrounded by family and excited laughing children......

      

             Two little words...................

              Unexpectedly hitting me like a shock

              My stomach feeling suddenly tight

              A stab of pain

              A stifled sob

              A wanting to shield myself from others seeing the tears

              Which had suddenly arisen unbidden

              From the well which is always there...............

              Two little words.........................

               Coming from the lips of our grandson........

               Excitedly declaring 

               

               "Hello Uncle Matt" 

But it wasn't you. He would've had two Uncle Matt's.

Now there is only one.

In those words I knew your absence......................... a deep, cutting, aching absence.

 

Hearing my grandson speak those words for the first time reached deep into my being to where the loss is held. 

It gushed suddenly to the surface and spilled over.

Your brother, sitting across the table, realising I was wrestling with the welter of pain, and came round to hold me, sharing the understanding. 

I had not thought, nor realised, that one day I would hear those two words spoken, but not to you.   

Oh, Matt, I struggled to stop myself from sobbing, but I made it.

Not wanting to upset the others, especially the children. 

But the pain is still there 

Nagging, aching, bubbling......

It will subside,

I have learned that over the last 7 years

Only for now it cannot be contained,

A part of the wound has been damaged once more and needs a little time to recover. 

Today I will give you that time Matt. 

 

Next weekend it will be Sammy's birthday, and he will greet his Uncle Matt once more.

At least this time I will be more prepared, maybe......maybe not.

I only know I wish the words were for you.     

              

               

               

"Come on grandad!"

Retrospective......... September 10th 2013.

 Well, Matt,
Seven years on from our parting.......

I always carry your business card around with me in my purse everywhere I go. I have deleted the main address and mobile number, and highlighted the lighthouse logo that you had chosen.  Your new business was just in its infancy when you suddenly left us all here that September, 7 years ago.
But the lighthouse was one that took on a new meaning for us all.
Your earthly remains now hidden in a deep rocky crevice, close to the lighthouse at Lizard Point which all of us have known so well down the years. It's beam stretching out at night across the sea. Comforting to us all to know that light is there at night.

Lizard Point lighthouse, Cornwall. 

Lizard Point 

We were once again in France on the 10th September, and went to an old church in Gordes that day. Sitting awhile to remember both you and Chris, and lighting two candles. A wrench to the heart. As the welter of emotion began to subside, I went down to the front of the church to look at the small bouquet of flowers left in front of the altar. There was one lone sunflower standing proud above the rest. As our friends know, I now plant sunflower seeds each year in your memory, and it was so lovely to see the sunflower there............ and equally to see the ones that were blooming in the garden when we arrived home.        

Gordes. Provence. France  September 10th 2013 

From Gordes, which is reputedly the most beautiful village in France, we went to the Abbayé de Senanque, a few kilometres drive away in the wooded hills of the Lubéron, hidden in a deep valley. It was very hot and  still.
As we arrived at the main path to the abbey, which is a 5 minute walk from the car park, we were greeted by a young lady in her twenties and a man in his forties. She explained to me in French, that on that day they were offering a new service to visitors, should they wish.
Of course I then had a conversation with her, able to speak to her in her own language. She told me the monks, who were a silent order, had requested that two people greeting visitors should offer them the opportunity to write down any prayer needs, and the monks would faithfully carry these out in their devotions. There was a piece of paper on which to write a name, address, if appropriate, and then space to write a prayer request.It was written in both French and English.                  

Abbayé de Senanque. Nr Gordes. France
10th September 2013

I explained to her that it was a poignant date for us,being the 7th anniversary of yours and Chris's deaths, but I felt that it was so special to be greeted warmly and to be offered prayer. I wrote our prayer for the family. She also had slips of paper with a different Bible verse printed on each one. I took one, and it was so significant the one we received. (These were printed in French)    

Flowers in the old church at Gordes.
September 10th 2013 

                                                           "Psalm 31 v 2.
                                                         Turn your ear to me,
                                                         Come quickly to my rescue;
                                                         Be my Rock of Refuge,
                                                         A strong Fortress to save me."

How many, many times, Matt, have I fled to that place and cried out to God in my deepest needs.
 I have always, always felt that He then somehow lifted me. Oh, not all at once.Especially in the early months and years after your accident, but I was comforted.
So to be offered prayer and a verse on that anniversary date was like a whisper from God saying to us  " I am still here.........I hold your son..........and I hold  you........."

Such a place of beauty and peace. A very special time for us both as we remembered you.
 After I told your story she enfolded me in an eloquent hug, which had no need for words.
So Matt, another year gone by without you.
Miss you forever
Mumxx